Is It Weird That I Don’t Hate This?

We’re in our fifth week of the state-mandated COVID-19 lockdown. I’ve just spent my 39th consecutive day in the company of nobody except my husband, kids, dog, cat, and the platoon of ants that plundered our kitchen. Shit’s still as weird as it was a month ago, but, to my surprise, it’s not all bad.

It took me a few weeks (and bottles of wine) to get here. When this all started, many of us went through a “WTF period” as we flailed around, adjusting to the new normal. Take it from me: supervising e-learning for two children while simultaneously working a full-time corporate job is not for the weak. Suddenly I was wearing multiple hats, all day, every day: teacher’s aide, tech support, cook, hall monitor, recess monitor, stage manager, janitor, and counselor, plus my day job. When you wear nine hats at the same time, a couple of them are bound to fall off at least once a day.

To cope, and because my brain requires lists, I started jotting down things I missed. After a while, I started a second list: things I had to admit were actually better during the lockdown.

For one thing, I haven’t spent this much time with my kids since they were babies. Sure, I used to see them every morning and every night after school. But now, since there’s nothing to go out and do, we hang out together more. We started taking walks every evening with the dog. We have family movie nights randomly throughout the week, since nobody has to get up early. They tell me their dreams and their stories and I listen, rapt, because my mind isn’t distracted by my usual to-do list.

Having a break from school logistics has been delightful. I no longer have to keep track of backpacks, water bottles, take-home folders, snack bags, permission slips, or birthday party invitations. Strict bedtimes are no longer a big deal. You want to stay in your PJs all day, kids? Why not! Just change into new PJs before bed!

That’s not to say I don’t miss things from my pre-COVID-19 life. Traveling is a big one. We’ve had three big trips (and counting) get canceled. Chatting with relatives on video calls is not the same as sharing hugs and meals. I miss casually chatting with strangers at the post office, and grocery shopping without a mask and disinfectant. I miss looking into the night sky above my house to see a line of airplanes approaching O’Hare Airport, strung out like a necklace of jewels.

However, like flowers growing in a bulldozed lot, new ways have sprung up to replace the ones we lost. At first, I felt like I had to put all my plans on hold and had nothing to look forward to. Then I discovered Zoom, and before I knew it I had two weekly Zoom happy hours on my calendar with friends. What fun to reconnect with those gals, some of whom I hadn’t seen in years. I hope we keep the Zooms going even after this insanity ends.

If you’d told me a year ago that I’d be mandated by law to be stuck in my house with my husband and kids for months on end, I might have said it sounded awful, terrible, maybe even designed to drive a person crazy.

But mostly, I feel grateful. I’m grateful my husband and I still have jobs. I’m grateful I live with people I love, so I’m not lonely. I’m grateful for extra time with my 8- and 11-year-old daughters; during this strange time warp, it doesn’t feel like they’re growing up so incredibly fast. And I’m extremely grateful for the people putting themselves at risk by working at stores, hospitals, utilities, and other essential jobs so that I can stay safe at home.

It still feels like living in the upside-down. But it doesn’t feel like nightmare, just a weird dream, the kind of dream that’s so bizarre that when you wake up you write it down and think “this might make a good story.” Truth, that ornery old nag, sometimes has to rear up and assert that it will, in fact, always be stranger than fiction.