Are Online Friends Real Friends?

Many of us modern-day humans hang out online with people we’ve never in person. The Internet is full of communities, and members of those communities sometimes become friends. But if you’ve never met someone in real life, are they really a friend?

To answer that question, you’d first have to ask, “What is a friend?” And I suspect that answer is different for everybody. 

What Defines a Friend?

Linguistically speaking, there are as many definitions of “friend” as there are dictionaries. The Oxford English Dictionary calls friendship “an informal relationship of mutual trust and intimacy.” The Russian Ozhegov Dictionary agrees trust is key, defining friendship as “a close relationship, based on mutual trust, affection and unity of interests.” Merriam-Webster offers several definitions, including “a favored companion.”

I would say someone is a friend if you enjoy each other’s company and care about each other’s well-being. My friends are people I’ve bonded with in some way – perhaps via shared experience, commiseration, or laughter. 

I’d argue that none of those definitions require two people to be physically present in the same space. If friends must use their eyes to see one another, then blind people could never have friends. Do the five senses matter at all in friendship? Can someone be your friend if you never see, hear, taste, smell, or touch them?

Times Are Changing… Or Are They?

As far back as the eighth century, monks and others with the means and education established and maintained friendships through letters. In the 1700s, the writer Voltaire and the Russian empress Catherine the Great had a nine-year relationship conducted entirely through correspondence; they never met in person. A century later, writers George Eliot and Elizabeth Stuart Phelps developed a friendship through letters, never once meeting face to face.

Some prefer it that way. I’ve known quite a few folks who are highly intelligent but socially awkward, who function more fluidly in the realm of ideas than in the physical world, who prefer online communities to the ungainly burdens of “meatspace” relationships. 

In the modern era, pen pals sometimes become lifelong friends. Even dating has changed as online tools took off. Not so long ago, announcing you’d met your boyfriend on the Internet might be met with skepticism, mistrust, even shaming. Nowadays, 40% of couples first meet online.

Making Friends in Online Communities 

Personally, I’ve benefited from online friendships from a young age. 

In 1992, I was a misfit teenager who found an online community that, unlike most people in my world, seemed to truly “get” me. Our gang of geeks coalesced around our love for a specific sci-fi series, and our camaraderie flourished from there. Every day after school, I’d log on to the Prodigy online service via dial-up modem and chat on the message boards until my mom yelled at me to quit tying up the phone line and come to dinner. We considered ourselves friends – one couple even met in that group and later married. We still chat on Facebook, 28 years later.

In my 30s, I found an online group of moms, brought together by our babies’ due dates. Most of us were first-time moms; all of us worked and had our kids in daycare. We griped daily and laughed often, chatting about everything from coffee to colic to colonoscopies. Our companionship helped all of us navigate the disorienting world of early motherhood. Going by aliases, we felt comfortable telling each other things we were afraid to talk about with anyone in our personal spheres. 

New Tools = New Relationships?

Recently, my employer established a “COVID-19 support group” where colleagues can get on a conference call and vent about whatever’s on their minds. It has been wildly popular, with hundreds on each call, speaking aloud or through the Webex chat. After reading something I’d written, two women reached out to me for private conversations, asking if we could keep in touch after the call ended. I’ve never met them in person and likely never will. It doesn’t matter. We’ve already helped one another just by lending a (virtual) ear. 

As therapist Lori Gottlieb once put it, “One way we show love is by making the other person feel seen, heard, and understood.”

Do we need a new word in the English language for a relationship that originates through correspondence between strangers? Maybe not. No matter where you meet, when you get to know a stranger well enough, they can start to feel an awful lot like a friend. 

Early draft; is it worth expanding? Feedback always welcome.