Weather or Not (synesthesia poetry challenge)

A few years in, it occurred to me
I had married a mountain.
I mistook rigidity for strength,
immovability for loyalty.
With shocking speed, your winds would shift,
one moment temperate, the next bitter,
your anger an icy gale that slashed.
I could never see it coming;
there was no forecast.
I learned to find what shelter I could
Until it passed.

Your shouts were an avalanche.
I threw up my arms to protect my head,
sometimes lobbing missiles back,
often fleeing to more stable ground.
Alarmed, I’d snatch the baby from her crib,
my torso curving into a shell to shield her,
and run outside. You followed, bellowing
that I was the crazy one.

At the word “abuse”
you were confused, saying
I never laid a hand on her.
You didn’t see the rocks you threw,
nor the cuts they made.
How could I have thought
a stone could see?
It was against your nature.
I left when I recognized
that it would be madness
to try to change the weather.




Poetry writing prompt: Incorporate synesthesia

Comments

  1. LaissezFaireMarch 20, 2019 at 3:58 PM

    I really liked how this called back to the mountain: How could I have thought
    a stone could see?
    Missiles and shell ... Asked out of place with all the mountain weather themes.

    I like how you used "my baby" and not "our baby" to show the chasm between them.

    ReplyDelete
  2. JessicaMarch 21, 2019 at 5:38 AM

    I thought this was beautiful. I think that the missiles and shell work, because they are describing her, while he is the weather, but that's just my opinion. Great job!

    ReplyDelete
  3. NorthieMarch 21, 2019 at 7:13 AM

    You describe a relationship gone sour so well using the weather elements.

    ReplyDelete
  4. NateMarch 21, 2019 at 11:19 AM

    Loved the strong opening metaphor. I thought you used synesthesia to full advantage. I agree with Tara that there were a few word choices that felt out of place. "Missiles" stuck out to me because the poem was so successful using vocabulary from nature up to that point. I thought the similes could be tightened up some. Is he a mountain or the weather? Have you heard of the rain shadow effect? It's the arid climate that results on the eastern side of mountains near oceans. The mountains stop the wind from bringing rain clouds over to the far side. I feel like that idea could tie your metaphors together nicely.

    ReplyDelete
  5. JenMarch 21, 2019 at 2:15 PM

    Great comments as always, thanks guys!

    ReplyDelete
  6. AshaMarch 21, 2019 at 8:03 PM

    I really loved the mountain metaphor, and the synesthesia is so evident. The weather metaphor worked in part for me, since I reconciled it as the weather patterns at the top of peaks. I wanted you to carry the metaphor even further too (like Tara and Nate)--so instead of 'missiles', you lob 'snowballs' in response to the 'avalanche' of words, and curling your body into a cave to protect the baby. I wanted to see the words tumbling down onto her, to see her throw up her arms to protect her head from them. Where he follows her outside, the first thing that came to my mind was "oh! So the mountain does indeed come to Mohammed"--and I think that would be an image that could easily be incorporated. At the end, I wanted the weather (his mental turmoil/incapacity to understand that what he was doing was abuse) to be quite deliberately placed at the top of the mountain (him) to carry that metaphor all the way through.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Exorcism (microfiction)

Image
Their hold on me had long since loosened. But I felt Darien’s hands days later.  I felt them across the conference room, Monday after the office party. I felt them when his eyes followed me out the door.  Something had to give. Closing my résumé, I inhaled, and dialed HR. 
Read more

How to Survive a Surprise Day of Pandemic Insanity

Image
Wake up rested and ready to face Tuesday. Kid #1 may be staying home with a sore throat, but Kid #2 got on the school bus successfully, lunch packed, water bottle full, and mask on, so that’s a win!  Walk the dog. Several blocks from home, answer a call on your cell. Listen to someone at your kid’s school insist that you pick up Kid #2, who isn’t sick. Listen as they explain that the school district’s COVID-19 plans, which they’d sent to parents in the form of an indecipherable flowchart, require all children in the family to stay home if one child has even a single symptom of COVID-19. Ask questions. Listen to them say that all four members of our household must either have negative COVID tests or quarantine for 10 days before the kids are allowed back. Question this directive, which differs from the guidance you recall reading, and be told to expect a call from the school principal.  Drop off the dog and drive the old-clunker car to school. While driving home, explain to a perplexed
Read more

Are Online Friends Real Friends?

Image
Many of us modern-day humans hang out online with people we’ve never in person. The Internet is full of communities, and members of those communities sometimes become friends. But if you’ve never met someone in real life, are they really a friend? To answer that question, you’d first have to ask, “What is a friend?” And I suspect that answer is different for everybody.  What Defines a Friend? Linguistically speaking, there are as many definitions of “friend” as there are dictionaries. The Oxford English Dictionary calls friendship “an informal relationship of mutual trust and intimacy.” The Russian Ozhegov Dictionary agrees trust is key, defining friendship as “a close relationship, based on mutual trust, affection and unity of interests.” Merriam-Webster offers several definitions, including “a favored companion.” I would say someone is a friend if you enjoy each other’s company and care about each other’s well-being. My friends are people I’ve bonded with in some way – perhaps via s
Read more