Tritina #1
Gerard and I got married in the spring.
My hair was done in ringlets that would fall
Beneath the veil, above the satin train.
I never thought that I would need to train
For marriage. I suppose I thought we’d spring
Right from the nest, like lovebirds, never fall.
Our summer love was done by early fall.
I watch the arid landscape from the train,
As empty as the dried-up creek and spring.
With a bent spring, we fall apart, like a cheap toy train.
This is my first-ever attempt at a tritina. Constructive criticism always welcome!
My hair was done in ringlets that would fall
Beneath the veil, above the satin train.
I never thought that I would need to train
For marriage. I suppose I thought we’d spring
Right from the nest, like lovebirds, never fall.
Our summer love was done by early fall.
I watch the arid landscape from the train,
As empty as the dried-up creek and spring.
With a bent spring, we fall apart, like a cheap toy train.
Awww... This is so good. I should try this. May not come out this nicely but Will have it to boast about. ;)
ReplyDeleteI loved that you tried iambic pentameter! You used the repeated words at the end in new and fresh ways each stanza so it didn't feel like you were rehashing the same idea over and over. My only suggestion would be to tweak the final sentence. Leaving us with a cheap toy didn't match the tone of the other images you conjured in the piece. There were arid landscapes and dried creek beds and then the man-made idea of children that was attached to the toy train came out of nowhere.
ReplyDeleteI love iambic pentameter (closeted Shakespeare nerd here). I completely see your point about the toy train, it's a bit different tone than the rest of the poem. Thanks for the feedback!
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